martyn20

2012 is an important year, for me

2012 is going to be an important year for people all around the world, there is of course the London Olympics which is being met in the UK by a mixture of celebration and horror, depending on who you speak to. In America we have the Presidential Election which should be won by the incumbent but who the hell knows, it is America, and of course if you are of the Mayan persuasion then the world will end on 21st December, so that’s nice.

2012, for me is all about 2 very important anniversaries, both occur in April and both mark 10 years. On 16th April, at about 7:00pm it will be 10 years since I have taken an alcoholic drink and on 18th April, at about 3:00pm it will be 10 years since I was diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy (Heart Failure). When I think about the last 10 years I have memories of strength and of great weakness related to these topics, satisfaction and achievement but also sadness and a life unfulfilled and somehow ‘on-hold’, maybe a life totally wasted.

Growing up I had always liked a drink, and I did drink too much by any standards. Was it a factor in the break-up of my marriage;  yes but it’s was not the only one. After the break-up my drinking took on a whole new level and a whole new importance, I would go to the pub instead of going home, the home I wanted to go back to not being there anymore.  My marriage ended January 1999, I moved back into my parents house a few weeks later and the rest of the year I drank after work every night and at the weekends.  I met some wonderful people, one of whom was going through a very similar break-up and we were able to share exactly the same thoughts and feelings.  This went on until Spring of 2000 when my work situation changed and it was then I had a breakdown of sorts;  just a few weeks after I had left behind those friends and the bar that had become my home.

The doctor gave me Prozac which seemed to help but I was now living on my own, deeply sad and lonely drinking became regular again, quite often on my own this time although I did meet some friends in a local pub that were willing to listen and support me, I was without a doubt at my lowest during 2000 and came very close to an ‘ultimate solution’ at this time;  once very, very close.

At this time my family were always there but I just could not find a way to ask them for help, the people who I had been able to listen to and who I had been able to talk to were all related to my drinking, in the pub, club, always over a beer or two.  My greatest pleasure in life after giving up drinking totally has been my family, my Mum, Dad, Sister and Brother-in-Law, they are my life now and my greatest regret is I could not have reconnected with them in 1999 after my wife left me.  This was totally down to me, they were there and just wanted to help but I rejected that help time after time, so sorry guys.

It was about the middle of 2001 when I began to feel unwell and my drinking reduced, I just didn’t fancy it much, I was getting breathless a lot and pains in my stomach.  Late summer of 2001 I went on holiday with my Sister and Brother-in-Law, the Monday of the week we were away in Lanzarote fell on what would have been my wedding anniversary, I did not handle the day very well or the whole week, I ruined the holiday totally and hate myself to this day for my behaviour, saying sorry just does not cut it really.

Of course I didn’t know at the time my heart was failing, a condition my Uncle suffers from as well, a condition I probably had from birth and that could have been responsible for other illnesses in previous years.  I knew something was wrong but never imagined it was something that serious, my Uncles situation was also unclear at that time.

It was a very strange Christmas and my health got worse in the first few months of 2002, I tried to get on with work and it was one of managers who insisted I go to the doctors and sort out what was going on before I came back to work (thank you Kay).  The next day I saw a locum and while she did not really want to do it I got an immediate referral to A&E, after waiting several hours in the waiting room the moment they put me on the ECG they saw there was a major problem.  Hours later I was in the Coronary Care Unit, days later I had an Angiogram which confirmed Cardiomyopathy and Heart Failure and a few weeks later I was being seen at Harefield Hospital being assessed for the Heart Transplant List.

Two days before I went to the doctors I had gone down the town after work to buy new underwear, I was so sick and weak that after work I did not have the energy to wash all my clothes and buying new became a habit, that’s how bad my health had got.  When I had bought the items I realised the walk of a few hundred yards, uphill to my flat was not going to be possible so I called my sister to pick me up and drive me the couple of minutes home, she was on the way home from work and it was going to be a short wait so rather than sit on a bench as it got dark I went into a pub, not my usual one as that was half way home and I didn’t think I could make it.  I ordered a vodka and coke and sat in the window waiting for my rescuer, I had no idea that would be the last drink I would ever have and no I didn’t enjoy it very much at all.

There is no doubt at all that it’s easier not to drink when you feel unwell every single day but that’s not to say I don’t think about drinking almost every day, I miss it greatly and still feel the me without a drink is not as interesting and vital as the old me with one but it’s 10 years without and hope it stays that way.  Christmas and Birthdays without a hangover are so much better, partly because you can remember them.

Dilated Cardiomyopathy changed everything, as my marriage break-up had done 3 years before.  I had to stop work, I, once again, moved in with Mum and Dad although our relationship is very different from the one we had in 1999, really, really close and comforting, just what I needed.  While my condition is stable due to medication I still have regular Heart-Transplant List assessments every 6 or 12 months.  I have very little energy and don’t get out much but I make the most of what I have and push myself as far as I can whenever I can.  A few hours out can lead to a few days in bed but that’s the way things are so you have to accept it.

My Prozac has been raised to the maximum dose in the past year so it’s still a struggle and at times I want to scream about what my life has become now,  I do have plans in my head of things I would like to do but right now they are all beyond my reach.  I have not settled but I know my limits and in the future things may well be better, I might get a new heart and get a second chance, so many things will be different I can tell you.

10 years is a long time, without a drink and with Heart Failure, I am proud I have ‘lasted’ this long on both counts.  While my family has changed, a wonderful Niece and Nephew my life is almost exactly the same as it was 10 years ago after things settled down.  While I wish things were different they are not so lets raise a glass to 10 years, cream soda of course not that devils brew!